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| ISSN 1445-9124 | The Zine for Librarians that refuse to be classified |
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| ISSN 1445-9124 | The Zine for Librarians that refuse to be classified |
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Updated August 27, 2002 
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VITAL LATIN PHRASES
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| SITUATION | RESPONSE | TRANSLATION |
| On opening up the library first thing in the morning: | Ista libraria odet malissimum! Estne libri decadentes aut patrones?*** | This library stinks. It must be all the mouldy books - or is it the patrons? |
| For patron offering lame excuses about a damaged book: | Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert. | Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. |
| Patron:"You said that I could have [...] today. You even wrote it down in that book. This is the third time I've asked for it. I want to see someone in charge." | Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. | I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. |
| Patron: "I can't find it. It wasn't where you said it was." | Stultus est licut stultus facit. | Stupid is as stupid does. |
| Patron queries directions numerous times: | Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? | Baby, Sweetheart, would I lie to you? |
| Previous patron returns, asks same question again: | Puto vos esse molestissimos. | I think that you are very annoying. |
| This book sucks. | Nullus est liber tam malus ut non aliqua parte prosit. | There is no book so bad that it is not profitable in some part.(Pliny Minor) |
| On sending out overdue notices: | Lege atque lacrima. | Read 'em and weep |
| On having to eject a patron: | Es debilem vinculum, vale! | You're the weakest link, goodbye! |
| On being confronted by a huge backlog of cataloging/shelving/processing/etc: | Veni, vidi, volo in domum redire. | I came, I saw, I want to go home. |
| In response to having a mistake pointed out to you: | Nemo mortalium omnibus horis sapit. | No mortal is wise all the time. |
| In response to general abuse or name-calling: | Nihil est - in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui. | That's nothing - in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor. |
| To obnoxious young patrons: | Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem. | In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags. |
| To obnoxious older patrons: | Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. | If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. |
| To anyone complaining about your use of latin: | Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. | Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out. |
| To anyone responding in Latin: | Abutebaris modo subjunctivo. | You've been misusing the subjunctive. |
| On being repremanded by the boss for using Latin to abuse patrons: | Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem! | The devil made me do it! |
| Biblia's Tagline for emails: | Orationem pulchram non habens, scribo ista linea in lingua Latina.*** | Lacking anything witty to say, instead I offer this tagline in Latin |