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Created and Maintained by: A.B. Credaro
Updated Novermber 24, 2001
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TECHNOLOGY
SUPPORT
Thank you for contacting the technology Support Group. We care deeply about your well-being, and provide this counselling service for those who are anxious about technology, are having difficulty coping with individual aspects of modern life, or just need a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
We feel your pain - we really do. All of our staff have been through the same traumas, and understand your problems. Let us help you on the road to recovery.
Please select from the options below to be connected with an appropriate counsellor. If you experience a panic attack during this phase, take three deep breaths, and hold the line. An operator will be with you shortly. |
BLUE SCREEN SYNDROME
PRESS "1" |
Ah...so you are using Window$. Version 3x, 95, 98, NT and ME all produce this effect. There is little we can do for you, I'm sorry to say. You have lost any document that you were working on. You will have to start all over again. Sorry. Close your computer down gently - don't hit it. I'ts not the hardware's fault. Would you like the name of your nearest Apple agent, or would you like to try Linux? |
FREEZE FRUSTRATION FRENZY
PRESS "2" |
Ah...so you are using Window$. Version 3x, 95, 98, NT and ME all produce this effect. There is little we can do for you, I'm sorry to say. You have lost any document that you were working on. You will have to start all over again. Sorry. Close your computer down gently - don't hit it. It's not the hardware's fault. Would you like the name of your nearest Apple agent, or would you like to try Linux? |
POST-TRAUMATIC SYSTEMS DISORDER
PRESS "3" |
Ah...so you are using Window$. Version 3x, 95, 98, NT and ME all produce this effect. Close your computer down gently - don't hit it. Would you like us to send you a theatre guide? Or perhaps a list of recent book reviews.... |
DIGITAL DEPRESSION
PRESS "4" |
Ah...so you are using Window$. Version 3x, 95, 98, NT and ME all produce this effect. Close your computer down gently - don't hit it. Its not the hardware's fault. Would you like us to send you a theatre guide? Or perhaps a list of recent book reviews.... |
NETWORK NARCOLEPSY
PRESS "5" |
So, you find your network running so slowly that you are falling asleep? Are you sure that its not just the tedium of working on something really boring, regardless of how necessary it might be? Follow these steps:
- Get up out of that chair,
- Find a human being to talk with, and forget about it all for 5 minutes.
- When you come back to your workstation, if you still have not been able to log onto your network, hang up the phone and dial back in.
- Then push either "1" or "2" on your handset. [see above]
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