From: The Director, Technology Division
To: All Technology Section Heads
To ensure power saving over the school holiday period, please instruct all personnel concerned to shut-down and turn off all workstations before leaving on the final workday before the holidays commence.

From: Technology Unit 1
To: All District Offices
Workstations must be turned off before holiday shutdown. This warning is for the final day, as instructed by the Director who is concerned about this issue.

From: District Office
To: School Principals
You are hereby warned that computers in your school are to be shutdown. This is the final notice, due to the upcoming holidays. Ensure your staff are informed of this concerting issue.

From: The Principal
To: All Head Teachers
I have received notification that computers are not to be used in the school. Until this issue is clarified after the concert, instruct all staff to disconnect the computers immediately and make appropriate arrangements for alternative methods.

From: Head Teacher
To: Teacher Librarian
Computers will no longer be used in the library. Pack them for indefinite storage, and retrieve old card catalogues. A concert will be held, presumably to raise funds for new filing cabinets.

From: Human Relations Division
To: Teacher Librarians

It has been brought to our attention that frustration levels are rising in school libraries due to an inability to accurately express emotions in a politically correct manner. Therefore, the following examples have been provided to address this issue:

When asked to complete yet another task not in your job description, the correct response is:
I'll just cancel my weekend plans. No worries.
"Get nicked" is no way to win friends and influence people, and further creates the impression you have a life outside the workplace.

When asked to do the impossible, the correct response is:
I'm not sure that is feasible, not "Get Real!"
You have accepted a position where the undertaking the impossible, and achieving it, is part of your job description.

When told that you will be losing even more clerical support hours, the correct response is:
I enjoy a challenge! not "You've got to be kidding".
We must all realise that cost cutting is a vital survival mechanism in schools, and just because the clerical time is taken from the library before anywhere else is no reason to become hostile.

When a deadline is moved up from next week to tomorrow, the correct response is:
I'll reschedule my other tasks, not "Why didn't you tell me sooner".
This will assist others in confirming that their idea of what is important is more valid than yours, and ensure that you will be prepared to drop everything to accommodate the poor organisation of others.

When a school-wide issue arises, and an after-hours meeting is called, the correct response is:
Yes, this needs to be discussed, not "Not another damn meeting!".
This is valuable networking time for teacher librarians, and the perceived necessity to collect your children from their school, or to prepare the evening meal for your family, should be secondary to anything related to the promotion of Teacher Librarianship.

If a colleague approaches you in the middle of a major library task to chat about something completely inane, the correct response is:
How fascinating!, not "Tell someone who cares".
You can never tell when that person might be in a position to promote the positive aspects of the school library. After all, you can always stay back late (again) to finish the interrupted task, happy in the knowledge that your colleague has left 30 minutes before the final bell.

When approached by a member of the senior executive of the school who wishes to discuss how overloaded they are with tedious administrative tasks, the correct response is:
Would you like me to take care of that for you?, not "So What?".
Remember that this person controls your library budget, and would not have taken time out of their busy schedule to talk with you unless they wanted something.

We hope that you have found these suggestions helpful, and look forward to hearing how you have implemented them into your everyday workpractices.

From: Financial Services Department
To: School Library Staff

Recent media announcements pertaining to the increase in budget allocations to schools have created the impression that school libraries may benefit from increased allocations. However, the extra funding is not directed at school libraries. In fact, the following cost-cutting in this area will come into effect immediately:

1. Tattle tapes and tags, together with electronic detection machinery, will no longer be purchased. Exit control will be enactioned by the use of large dogs, who will reside next to exits. As most school libraries only have one doorway, the dogs will also act as Food Inhibitors; this will additionally provide nourishment for the dogs by removing contraband (food) items from children as they enter the library.

2. Electricity bills for lighting in libraries will be reduced by turning off all lights during daylight hours. Where library users express difficulty in reading due to this procedure, library staff will direct patrons to the Lighting Stand, where torches and batteries are available at Recommended Retail Prices. Students and staff are also permitted to bring their own lighting equipment, although campfires in the library are to be discouraged.

Where bats take up residence in these libraries, they are to be catalogued as realia, and included in stocktake. Due to the difficulty in attaching barcodes to glow-worms, these may be excluded from stocktake. Any mushrooms found growing in these conditions may be harvested, and sold at the Library Snackbar.

3. Airconditioning systems, where in place, should not be turned on in summer. Library users may purchase personal, battery operated fans at the Library Gift Shop. Similarly, the use of heaters is now prohibited - the Gift Shop should stock a selection of blankets, jackets and jumpers for purchase.

4. Recent audits have shown that books are a major expense in library budgeting. This should cease immediately. Alternate sources should be sought where books can be obtained for free. Nursing Homes and hospitals generally have books in their waiting rooms. Similarly, journals and periodicals may be obtained free of charge from dentists' and doctors' waiting rooms. Where empty spaces appear on library shelving, promotional material for books can be cut out of newspapers, and folded to look like a book. In the event of contracts for standing orders exists, the books purchased at discounted rates may be sold at RRP in the Library Gift Shop.

Whilst these cutbacks and changes may seem drastic at the moment, the benefits will soon become obvious. Schools will be able to allocate more funds to visible, external improvements [eg gardens, new fencing, etc], plus the publication of glossy brochures promoting the school's facilities, which will greatly improve the profile of the school within the community.

FROM THE LIBRARY
To: ALL School Staff

The Library will be closed on Tuesday after lunchtime, as the library staff will be at a meeting.

Please be reminded that Friday's Morning Tea is being provided by the library staff, so there will not be any library services available from 9am until after recess.

We have been informed that the new cabling will be carried out in the library on Thursday. Access to the library will be restricted for that day to library staff only.

On Wednesday, the whole school excusion supervision will include the library staff, so the building will be locked for the day.

In case you're wondering about Monday, we are taking the day off.