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Head of Production:
POLITICALLY CORRECT LIBRARY TERMS
You no longer have patrons who smell bad, you now have odor-retentive clients.
The library visitor is not staggering drunk, he is fermentally mobilised.
You no longer have gum stuck to the bottoms of chairs and tables, you now have a microbiological sanctuary construct.
You are not wearing library shoes, you are challenging the accepted mores of the fashionistas.
You are not wearing your hair in a bun, you have a retrograde coiffure.
You no longer have missing books, you now have a resource-presence deficit.
Your patrons don't have anything overdue, they are enjoying non-sanctioned access.
You are no longer a children's librarian, you are now a generationally-different bridging facilitator.
You don't have any thefts, you are experiencing security diminutions.
No-one has cut out articles/pictures/material from your periodicals, you have had a divergence of perspective with regard to micro-resource location.
The young patron didn't just do a poo-poo on the carpet, there has been an unexpected biological elimination.
Children are not running wild in the library, they are adjusting their metabolic balances.
The book has not be vandalised, it has been enhanced by a contemporary expression of angst.
Your library system server has not just crashed, you have experienced a technological aberration.
The photocopier has not run out of paper, it is consumable-depleted.
The garbage bin is not on fire, you have a non-scheduled conflagration.
You have not been sworn at, you heard a base expression of fulmination.
You are not being surly, you are exercising your rights to be judiciously saturnine.
You have not been affected by staffing cuts, you have moved into a corporate-lite modality.
The teenagers are not making out behind the stacks, they are doing research. (At least, that's what they said.)
You don't have a budget crisis. No, wait a minute ... yes, you do.