In an international campaign to reduce the cost of Christmas, Library Funding Authorities have been appointed to bring the festive season into line with the rest of the year.

Acquisitions at the North Pole have been reduced, with standing orders cancelled. Elf support has also been slashed. Whilst the reindeer have been retained for the current season, they have been put on notice that their contracts will not be renewed. This will result in future seasonal gifts being posted C.O.D. ...

From Issue #101 >>

Following the phenomenal success of the Librarian Action Figure, the world's best-known librarian could shortly announce the release of a signature range of sensible and comfortable women's undergarments.

Although many celebrities from the fashion and entertainment industries authored a book prior to moving into the more lucrative 'unmentionables' market, Pearl is already published. This would be a natural progression in career development since Nancy Pearl retired from active library duty.

It is believed that the Nancy Smallclothes® line is most likely be created in machine-washable fabrics, and be initially available in either white or cream. A beige option could follow in Spring ...

From Issue #196 >>

Around the nation, irate citizens are voicing their opinion on the lack of funding for libraries, and demanding immediate action. There has been a flood of letter to a newspaper, and an angry call to talk-back radio. Inside sources believe that there may even be plans to produce a leaflet.

At this stage, riot police are apparently on stand-by, not attending the protest rallies in what is believed to possibly be an effort to reduce media attention. A spokesperson for the Wangaratta Police Department, Vernon Kwriskzi, stated that he was prepared to arrest anyone who violated city ordinances for Unlawful Assembly, although he hadn't actually heard anything about the Library Protests.

At this time, there does not appear to be any federal investigation to identify the leaders of this protest movement, nor into the claims of insufficient library budgets ...

From Issue #132 >>

Listed as the 6th 'hottest job' in a survey of college graduate careers, Librarianship is possibly appearing to be making a come-back in the popularity stakes.

The survey methodology was not revealed, so the results may be due to the disclosure that library budgets are insufficient to maintain air conditioning systems in temperate to tropical climatic zones.

Watch for information on the career becoming 'cool', when reports are released for libraries in sub-arctic areas ....

From Issue #125 >>

Despite the demonstrable youth and vibrance of the average Library Media Specialist, the 'old bat' tag is proving hard to remove. While librarians from all domains are upgrading their image, the stereotypical perceptions of library volunteers are still not being adequately addressed.

As school libraries struggle for sufficient funding for library support staff, there is increasing reliance on student 'monitors' or volunteer helpers. But what kid wants to be labelled a Library Nerd?

The Warrior Librarian (pictured above in reddish-purplish top, HTML color-code #CC00CC) has developed a range of clothing - for all climate zones, and for all levels (or absences) of climate control - to put pizzazz into library volunteer work. After all, if Batgirl was a librarian ...

From Issue #199 >>

Bay area small businessman Rasheed McMurphy, the American Library Association's newest member, is delighted with the increase in business since displaying his membership certificate and including "ALA Member" on his business card.

In an exclusive interview, Rasheed revealed that joining the Travel Industry Association, Association of Contingency Planners, plus the National Association of Sales Professionals, had not significantly impacted on the image of what he prefers to call Pre-Loved Automobile Adoption Agency operatives - often derogatively called "used car salesmen".

"Sure, librarians might be concerned over how the general public views them, but they have no idea what it's like at parties - for myself and my colleagues - when we tell people that we are a, ummm, you know, like ...

From Issue #180 >>

Library associations around the world are in shock after two Texas children's librarians were photographed without any books in the background. This is a serious breach of international protocols covering library-related graphics.

An investigation is continuing as to whether this was a deliberate attempt to undermine literacy, a non-authorised pictorial statement regarding insufficient budgets, a conspiracy to further reduce staffing at the library, or merely an unfortunate incident where a 'snapshot' was spontaneously taken for friends or family.

At the moment, the identity of the librarians is being protected under what remains of privacy legislation ...

From Issue #131 >>

As another year draws to a close, the Rating Season also wraps up. In the fine tradition of hashing up old stuff, Warrior Librarian Weekly isn't exactly proud to be bringing you a "Best Of" edition.

But hey! With what you're paying to access the world's premier library humor zine with an ISSN and everything, you should be happy you don't get a 404 message or Lassie re-runs ...

The debate over the action librarian doll continues to rage. OK, maybe not "rage" as much as be mumbled about over coffee and pastries. Although the WLW editorial policy discourages value judgements, it is observed that there are those who find the image portrayed as "fun", whilst others consider it as a perpetuation of inaccurate perception. But worse is to come.

Gary Browning, writing for the UK Guardian, describes libraries as "brothels for the mind ... librarians are the madams, greeting punters, understanding their strange tastes and needs, and pimping their books".

In the meantime, librarians around the world are waiting to see if any national professional association is sufficiently progressive to risk adopting the slogan, "Libraries: Brothels for the Mind". Maybe the stereotype isn't really that bad after all ...

From Issue #157 >>

In an unprecidented third year running, Bob the Builder has once again been named International Library Patron of the Year.

For a short while, it looked as though the title might go to Spongebob Squarepants, but the award panel finally decided that the pretender to the title didn't smile nearly as much.

Mr Builder is reported to have never returned a book damaged or overdue, not once uttered anything even remotely unpleasant to a librarian, nor accessed any unsavoury sites on a library computer ...

From Edition #114 >>

It may have been selfish not to have revealed this sooner, but the most valuable reference resource in use at Warrior Librarian Central is the stack of papers, books, clippings, letters and other dross that is commonly referred to as Over There.

This is a resource that every library and home office, not to mention multi-media global conglomerate, should purchase. If you don't already have an Over There, you might find it a little difficult to source. However,in the spirit of professional cooperation, the Warrior Librarian is making this one-off offer. Send a large return-postage paid empty box, and we will return it to you with a large assortment of hardcopy text ...

Fox Television is joining NBC in maintaining silence on the rumored production of a new series, "Library Watch". Industry sources speculate on keeping the successful "Bay Watch" format, as costume costs are minimal and acting ability is not essential.

Much to the suprise of the financial backers, production costs would soar as the proposed program would need a reasonable-looking library. Like politicians, they've discovered that libraries cost more than beaches ...

From the Swimsuit Special Edition >>

Although some people might find that putting their foot in their mouth is physically difficult, the Warrior Librarian is occasionally in danger of getting Athelete's Gums.

But there are those odd occasions when something worth quoting might pop out. Usually not. There have been some things that were said (or written) that have been quoted by other people ...

A semi-random selection >>